How to Shear a Cat
Many people are interested in trying new and fabulous fibers. Because most of us do not have the capacity in the back yard or on the patio for sheep and alpacas, cat and dog fiber is being used often for spinning. The yarn is extraordinarily soft and warm, and is readily available to those who have a particularly fluffy feline.
Step 1: Retrieve cat. Place cat gently on table. Turn on clippers, and gently restraining the cat...
Step 2: Apply antiseptic of choice to scratches along arms, bandage as needed. Retrieve cat from behind couch. While sitting on the couch, restrain cat gently on your lap, turn on clippers.
Step 3: Apply antiseptic to fresh gouges in legs, bandaging as needed, and change into jeans that are not shredded. Retrieve cat from under bed.
Step 4: Restrain cat firmly on the bed, by the scruff of the neck. Turn on clippers.
Step 5: Be sure and have the cut stitched shut first, and update your tetanus shot. Clean other wounds as necessary and place bandages strategically. Note to self: verify cat's rabies vaccination is up to date. Don welding gloves and retrieve cat from top of curtains.
Step 6: With medical tape, attach bungee cords to each paw, and suspend the cat in mid air from your four-poster bed. Turn on clippers.
Step 7: Be sure and cut bungee cords before detaching cat from ceiling. Use spackle to mend holes, cracks and chunks removed from ceiling. Repaint if desired. Replace ceiling fan and trim. Don new gloves and pry cat out from under the fridge with a crow bar.
Step 8: Using a tranquilizer gun borrowed from the neighbor who raises zebras and antelope, insert tranquilizer dart into rifle. Carefully aim at cat sitting on the floor. When you wake up five hours later, carefully remove tranquilizer dart from foot, and clean area well. A bandage should not be needed. Retrieve cat from counter top, and scold severely to get rid of the smirk on his face.
Step 9: Carefully duct tape cat's head to kitchen counter, being careful to leave nostrils exposed. The slick surface of the counter will give the cat very little traction, thereby insuring a good firm restraint. Turn on clippers.
Step 10: Don new shirt after cleaning two-foot long lacerations on chest. Refer back to step 5 to make sure your immunizations are up to date. Pluck two pea sized clumps of short fur from duct tape, and place in Ziplock bag. You now have cat fiber!
Step 11: Since the cat is in the highest tree in the yard anyway, it isn't going anywhere too quickly, You might as well get a tarp secured over the two foot hole in the side of the house to prevent water damage in the event of rain. With a very long extension cord and longest ladder you can lay hands too, climb the tree after the cat. Because the cat will go as high as it can, you will be able to shear the cat without further damage to yourself, as the cat will have to hold on to avoid falling to its death. Approach cat and gently croon to calm the poor frightened animal. Once animal seems calm, turn on clippers.
Step 12: After completing cornea replacement surgery, and having the wounds all down your back stitched up, contact landscaping firm to have broken tree limbs removed. Might as well see about an appointment with the chiropractor as well. Order cat fiber on Ebay in any color you like, pay as much as it takes, it's cheaper. Since you're already on Ebay, now is as good a time as any to get new curtains, bedspread, bed, couch, and outside light fixtures while you're at it.
Note from the Editor - No cats were actually taped, restrained, tranquilized or bungee corded to a bed, this is strictly ficticious. We suggest scissors and heavy gloves, and really, it just ain't worth it :)